6 Ways to Free Yourself from Social Anxiety and Shyness - By Cylon George

 Do you struggle with social anxiety or shyness?

Is this anxiety affecting multiple areas of your life?

Are you yearning to break free from feeling isolated?

Like many people, I was shy as a kid. But I wasn’t just shy—I was painfully shy. I would avoid social situations like the plague. And I barely spoke because I stuttered.

My shyness followed me well into adulthood. I stayed away from social situations, fearing the embarrassment of stumbling in my speech. But even as my speech improved, I was always on guard and still felt awkward in social settings.

Then, I met a man who helped me change how I approached my fears. Tom had a stutter much more severe than mine, but it did not stop him from interacting with people. I was amazed by his courage and seeming lack of self-concern as he introduced himself to me.

We chatted for a bit, and he left an impression on me that I would never forget. He couldn’t stop his stutter, but he wouldn’t let it stop him from talking.

Reflecting on this experience taught me some valuable lessons about how to overcome shyness. These can work for you too (even if you don’t stutter):

1. Acknowledge the fear.

A common fear for shy people is the fear of what others may think about them. For me, my concern was the way I spoke. But it could be something else, such as a concern over your physical features or intelligence.

Tom could have easily been afraid of how he appeared to me as he introduced himself. If he was, it didn’t stop him from engaging me in conversation. I knew that to follow his example, I would first need to acknowledge my own fears of how I appeared to others when I spoke.

You may be tempted to discount your feelings or try to ignore them. But the more you try, the more the anxiety grows. The first step to freedom is to acknowledge the fear, as silly or inconsequential as that seems.

When you do, something interesting will happen; you’ll realize that you’re likely more concerned about your own quirks than other people are. This will give you the strength and courage to begin moving past them.

2. Accept embarrassment.

Yes, it’s painful. Nobody likes to embarrass themselves in public, but it will happen.

As a stutterer, I’ve felt incredibly embarrassed because of my speech on many occasions. I would be flowing along as I spoke only to be hit with blocked speech. Some episodes were so bad that I would appear to be suffering from convulsions.

Needless to say, this made me wary of speaking in public; I was too afraid of embarrassing myself. But Tom didn’t seem to have this problem at all. It made me wonder, “What if I accepted the potential for embarrassment rather than hide from it?”

The more I opened up myself to potentially embarrassing situations, the more courageous and resilient I felt.

This can happen to you too if you are willing to experience the greatest fear holding you back from interacting with other people.

Think about the worst-case scenario. Is it a life or death situation? If not, you will recover, and you’ll be stronger for it. You’ll more easily enter conversations rather than sit on the sidelines.

3. Challenge your perceptions.

We place many unreasonable expectations on ourselves when entering social interactions. Somehow, we believe that social conventions call for a person to be highly intelligent, witty, and entertaining in all their conversations.

I tried to be all these things to all people in the past—and I failed miserably because I was not being myself. I was trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be. Instead of choosing to be fluent or silent, Tom chose to be himself.

His powerful example caused me to ask myself, “Would I hold others to the same ridiculous standards I was holding myself to?” Probably not.

Do you believe you need to be intelligent, witty, and entertaining in all your social interactions? Challenge those perceptions.

Most people can see right through fake encounters. Just be yourself. People will appreciate you for who you are. And if they don’t, you’ll likely never see them again (or won’t see them for a long time). So, don’t worry about it.

4. Focus on others. 

As I chatted with Tom, I noticed how much he encouraged me to talk about myself. I got the impression that he was sincerely interested in me and my story.

He helped me realize how hyper-focused I was on myself and on what others might (or might not) think about me. To break the spell of self-absorption, I needed to focus on helping others.

When I stepped outside of my own world, I could see that other people had similar fears about what others thought of them. This caused a big shift in my thinking.

Rather than struggling to put myself at ease, I focused on helping others feel at ease with welcoming words and a warm smile. I learned to listen to them attentively and be genuinely interested in what they had to say.

The next time you’re tempted to withdraw from conversation, remember this sage advice from Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People:

“So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”

This step is almost guaranteed to put them, and you, at ease.

5. Start small.

Sometimes, we think that to overcome our shyness, we need to do big things—like speak in front of hundreds of people or start a conversation with every person we meet.

Tom didn’t try to make long speeches. His sentences were brief and to the point. I began to model his behavior by using fewer and simpler words. Over time, I became more comfortable with speaking at greater length.

You can start to overcome shyness by taking action in small ways. If groups of three or more seem too daunting, try introducing yourself to a person who may be looking for some company. If making eye contact seems too hard right now, try focusing on another area close to their eyes rather than looking down.

You’ll begin to make progress, and before you know it, you’ll become more confident in larger social settings.

6. Practice self-compassion.

Overcoming social anxiety will not be easy, and you’ll have times when you’ll slip back into old habits. My stutter has greatly lessened over the years. But sometimes it comes back with a vengeance whenever I’m anxious or tired. Or sometimes it just happens randomly.

Sometimes I avoid social situations when my confidence is low. When I am tempted to get angry with myself for falling short, I remember how patient Tom was with himself as he struggled to speak. He didn’t get angry. He simply took a minute to regain his composure and try again.

I remember that I, too, can become more kind and patient with myself when my fear of social interaction returns.

If you’re struggling with setbacks also, practice self-compassion. Be patient and kind with yourself on your journey to freedom. Don’t be tempted to give in when you’re feeling down.

You Have More Courage Than You Think

Until now, you may have allowed your shyness to hold you back from meeting people in social settings.

You mistakenly thought you weren’t interesting enough, important enough, or courageous enough to be in the company of others.

You’ve been in a state of self-imposed exile.

But you have more courage than you think.

It’s time to step outside your shell. It’s time to exercise your courage. It’s time to stand up so others can know and appreciate you for who you are.

The sheer power of your presence may make someone’s day or even change their life (and yours) for the better.

My truth cannot be your truth !

My truth cannot be your truth -- my truth will be your belief. Only your truth can be true to you. Truth certainly liberates; but the truth has to be your truth. Nobody else’s truth can liberate you. Somebody else’s truth will become only an imprisonment...

Truth liberates, but... if it is somebody else’s, truth binds.

Jesus Christ’s truth, Mohammed’s truth, Buddha’s truth, have all become prisons. I don’t want my truth to become a prison for anybody. I want my truth to be an inspiration. I want my truth to trigger something in you which is yours.

My truth simply gives you an assurance that a human being, just like you, can attain to truth.

That will give you immense respect towards yourself. You will not feel unworthy sinners, that somebody has to come to save you – some Christ, some Buddha has to come, and then you will be saved. You don’t have to wait for anybody to save you. You are born saved, just a little insight…. If my presence can do that, then my work is finished.

I don’t want to become a prison around you.

I want to become a freedom around you, an open sky around you, not a golden cage – so that you can open your wings and feel the joy of flying higher and higher towards the stars.

OSHO From Darkness to Light, Ch 22

Only one philosophy, and that is universal.

In my final M.A. examination, one of my professors was very much concerned because my paper was going to be examined by an old professor of Allahabad University who was world famous as a scholar on Indian philosophical thought - Dr. Ranade. And it was well-known that to get a passing mark from him was the most you could hope for. He has, all over the country, a name for that.

Mostly, people failed; his criteria were not ordinarily fulfilled.

My paper was also going to be examined by him, so my teacher of Indian philosophy was very much concerned. I told him, "Relax, because it is my examination, not your examination!"

He could not sleep. He said, "I know you are going into a difficulty. That man is a little eccentric, and he is such an authority that nobody can challenge him."

I said, "The need will not arise. Who knows, he may be waiting for me. I may be his criterion."

He laughed; he said, "You don't know him. He has failed so many people and he has not given a first class rating to anybody in his whole life. And now he is retired. But still because of his fame, universities go on sending him examination papers."

It was almost as if he was going into the examination. I had to console him and tell him to relax and rest and not be worried.

And I did just what he was afraid of... I did exactly that because I could not do anything else. My answers to his paper, his question paper, became rather an argument, and that's what my professor was worried about: "He is such an authority that nobody questions him. And you will create a situation in which he may feel offended. He may give you zero; he has given zero to many people."

His first question was "What is Indian philosophy?" and I simply answered in one line: "There is no such thing in the world. The question is absurd and does not deserve any more wastage of time for the simple reason that philosophy cannot be divided by geography; you are putting geography on a higher scale than philosophy. Now, what has philosophy to do with geography? Thoughts have no geographical boundaries, they are universal. There is only one philosophy, and that is universal. So never again ask such a question."

Certainly he must have been shocked because he was not expecting... and his whole life people have been polite to him. And now he was an ancient, wise man... but all his questions I answered in the same way. And when I told my teacher how I had answered his questions, tears came to his eyes.

I said, "You are mad! I am going to be given a mark of zero because he cannot give less than that.

But why are you...?"

He said, "I feel for you. I understand you. What you are saying is right. But right is not the question; the question is what is acceptable, what the knowledgeable people recognize as right."

But Dr. Ranade really proved to be a man of integrity. He gave me ninety-nine percent and wrote a special note to the vice-chancellor mentioning that the note should be shown to me. And the note was: "You shocked me as nobody ever has. But your answers were original, and you did not care at all whether you were going to pass or fail. You were so total in each of your answers that it was irrelevant what happened to be the result. I loved your totality, I loved your intensity, I loved your originality - and for the first time I have come across a student I have been waiting for."

The vice-chancellor called me. My teacher said, "Some note against you must have come because the papers have come back. I am coming with you." And when he saw the note he could not believe it. He said, "Today I can say that miracles happen. I was thinking you were going to get zero, and you have ninety-nine percent!"

And Dr. Ranade had mentioned in his note, "I was going to give you one hundred percent but that may look as if I am favoring you too much; that's why I have taken off the one percent. It is not that something is wrong in your answers, it is just my old habit, a lifelong habit of cutting. I cannot do much, but at least I can take off one percent."

Osho~~

The Transmission of the Lamp

Love - No Mind

Projections !

I told him a story of Ramakrishna which is very rare in the
history of mystics.
After attaining enlightenment, nobody ever tries to look into
other paths to see whether they also reach to enlightenment
or not -- there is no point. You wanted to reach here, you
have reached -- now what is the point of finding out whether
other roads also reach here or not? But Ramakrishna had
something tremendously significant on his mind, so he gave
six months to each religion that was available in his vicinity;
for six months he would practice the religion and forget
everything else. Of course, he was already enlightened so the
path was not a problem; in six months, he would reach back
to the point of consciousness.
In Bengal, there is a small local group of a very strange
religion: they believe that Krishna is the only man, and those
who follow him are all women. They may be men, but that is
only an illusion; in reality, except for Krishna, there is no other
man -- all are women. He is the lover and you are the
beloved. In the night, the followers of that sect, men and
women both, dress alike -- like women. And even men sleep
with a statue of Krishna in their beds -- he is their husband.
Ramakrishna followed that path also for six months. For
others it was just a ritual; they were born into that religion,
just as you are born into Christianity, or Hinduism, or Jainism.
You don't really care; it is just accidental that you are born
into a certain religion and you follow it, but it is a formality --
at the most.
But Ramakrishna was not going into those processes in a
formal way: when he was following something, he was
following it with totality and intensity. And almost a miracle
was seen! Even in the day, he used the same clothes as
women use in Bengal. Even the people of that sect told him,
"In the day you can use men's clothes; otherwise it looks very
awkward."
But he said, "When I follow something, I follow it totally. I
cannot divide my day from my night. And I don't care about
the world."
His breasts started growing; his disciples became very much
afraid. So much intensity of projecting that even the doctors
who came to know about it when they visited Ramakrishna
and saw his breasts, could not believe it -- because this was
a physiological miracle. But his disciples whispered in the ears
of the doctor, "This is nothing -- he is having monthly
periods!"
For six months continuously...his voice changed, it became
more like a woman's. He started walking like a woman --
which is very difficult; difficult because only a woman can
walk that way. She has a womb inside her body and that
womb gives a different kind of movement to the legs. Man
has no womb inside; his legs have a different movement.
He started walking like a woman, speaking like a woman, his
voice changed. And when the menstrual period started, then
the disciples became really afraid. They said, "We have lost
him. How can we get him back?" They tried to persuade him,
but until six months was up, he was not going to change his
path. They said, "This path is dangerous. We don't think that
these breasts and this period are going to disappear even
after six months. Your whole life you will be a laughingstock
-- and we are going to be laughingstocks because we are
your disciples."
It took almost six months after he stopped for the change to
take place again. Slowly, slowly, he became a man again --
before that he had become a woman. Such a deep
psychological projection.... It is through such projections that
people are experiencing Krishna, Jesus, Buddha -- and when
they experience it, they see it.
And if you say to them that it is only an illusion, how can
they believe you? Their illusion looks more real than you are.
Mind has a capacity to project anything and make it appear
almost real; or sometimes, if the mind is very powerful, even
more than real.

OSHO
The Hidden Splendor, Chapter 9

Lovely logics !

who is a real friend?

Q: Beloved Master,

I have many friends, but the question: who is a real friend? This always arises in my mind. Will you say something about it?

Satyam, you are asking from the wrong end. Never ask, "Who is my real friend?" Ask, "Am I a real friend to somebody?" That is the right question. Why are you worried about others - whether they are friends to you or not?

The proverb is: A friend in need is a friend indeed.But deep down that is greed! That is not friendship, that is not love. You want to use the other as a means, and no man is a means, every man is an end unto himself.  Why are you so worried about who is a real friend?

A young honeymoon couple were touring Southern Florida. They stopped at a rattlesnake farm along the road. After seeing the sights they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the young bride, "You certainly have a dangerous job! Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, I do," answered the handler.

"Well", she insisted, "just what do you do when you are bitten by a snake?

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten I make a deep, criss-cross mark across the fang wound and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What? Ah! what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the bride.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are!"

Why are you worried?

The real question has to be: Am I friendly to people? Do yo know what friendship is? It is the highest form of love. In love, some lust is bound to be there; in friendship, all lust disappears. In friendship nothing gross remains, it becomes absolutely subtle.

It is not the question of using the other, it is not even a question of needing the other, it is a question of sharing. You have too much, and you would like to share. And whosoever is ready to share your joy with you, your dance, your song, you will be grateful to him, you will feel obliged. Not that he'/she is obliged to you, not that he should be thankful to you because you have given so much to him. A friend never thinks in that way. A friend always feels grateful to those people who allow him to love them, to give them whatsoever he has got.

Love is greed. You will be surprised to know that the English word 'love' comes from a Sanskrit word Lobh; lobh means greed. How lobh became love is a strange story. In Sanskrit it is greed; the original root means greed. And love as we know it is really nothing but greed masquerading as love - it is hidden greed.
    

Satyam, making friendship with the idea of using people is a wrong step from the very beginning. 

Friendship has to be a sharing. If you have something, share it - and whosoever is ready to share with you, is a friend. It is not a question of need. It is not a question that when you are in danger the friend has to come to your aid. That is irrelevant - he may come, he may not come, but if he doesn't come, you don't have any complaint. If he comes, you are grateful, but if he doesn't come, it's perfectly okay. It is his decision to come or not to come. You don't want to manipulate him, you don't want to make him feel guilty. You will not have any grudge. You will not say to him that, "When I was in need you didn't turn up -  what kind of friend are you?"

Friendship is not something of the marketplace.Friendship is one of those rare things which belong to the temple and not to the shop. But if you are not aware of that kind of friendship, you will have to learn it.

Mohammedans say that if you die in a religious war, 'Jihad', you will immediately go to heaven and all your sins are forgiven. And Christians also say that in a religious war, in a crusade, if you die, you will immediately go to heaven; then everything else is forgiven. And millions of people have died and killed others, believing that this is a truth.

We have seen such things happening in the recent past, in the twentieth century; it doesn't seem to be very grown-up in that way. Adolph Hitler repeated for twenty years that "Jews are the cause of all misery," and a very intelligent nation like Germany started believing in him. What to say about ordinary people? - Even people like Martin Heidegger, one of the greatest philosopher Germany has produced in this century, believed that Adolph Hitler was right. He supported Adolph Hitler.

A man of the intelligence of Martin Heidegger, supporting a stupid, mad person like Adolph Hitler! What must the secret be? The secret is: repeat, go on repeating. Even Jews started believing that it must be true: "We must be the cause; otherwise how could so many intelligent people believe it? If so many people believe it, there must be something in it!"

You should have been brought up with such beliefs, such ideas, which have no foundation in reality. And if you go on living according to them, you will live in vain. You have to go through a radical change.

Ask question about yourself, don't ask about others. It is impossible to be certain of the other, and there is no need either. How can you be certain of the other? The other is a flux. This moment the other person may be loving, and the next moment he may not be loving. There can be no promise. You can only be certain about yourself and that too only for the moment. There is no need to think of the whole future. Think in terms of the moment and the present. Live in the present.

If this moment is full of friendship and the fragrance of friendship, why be worried about the next moment? The next moment will be born out of this moment. It is bound to be of a higher, deeper quality. It will bring the same fragrance to a higher altitude. There is no need to think about it - just live the moment in deep friendship.

Friendship need not be addressed to anyone in particular; that is also a rotten idea, that you have to be friends with a certain person - just be friendly. Rather than creating friendship, create friendliness. Let it be a quality of your being, a climate that surrounds you, so you are friendly with whomsoever you come in contact.

This whole existence has to be befriended! And if you can befriend existence, existence will befriend you a thousand fold. It returns you in the same coin,  but multiplied. It echoes you. If you throw a stone at existence, you will get back many more stones. If you throw flowers, flowers will come back.

Life is a mirror, it reflects your face. Be friendly, and all of life will reflect friendliness. People know perfectly well that if you are friendly to a dog even the dog becomes friendly to you, so friendly. And there are people who have known that if you become friendly to a tree, the tree becomes friendly to you.

Try great experiments in friendship, Try with a rosebush, and see the miracle: slowly slowly, it will happen, because man has not been behaving with trees in a friendly way; hence, they have become very afraid.

But now scientist say that, when you come with an axe to cut down a tree, even before you have started cutting it, the trees goes into a shiver, a cold shiver. It goes into a great fear panic. You have not even started, but just the intention - it is as if the tree becomes aware of your intention! Now they have sophisticated instruments just like cardiographs, which can make graphs on paper showing what the tree is feeling. When the tree is feeling joyous, there is a rhythm in the graph; when the tree is feeling afraid, the fear is shown on the graph. When the tree sees a friend coming it rejoices, it jumps, it dances; the graph immediately shows a dance. When the tree sees the Gardner coming.........

Have you ever said hello to a tree? Try it, and one day you will be surprised: the tree also says hello in its tongue, in its own language. Hug a tree, and one day will come soon when you will feel that it was notonly you who were hugging the tree - the tree was responding, you were also hugged by the tree, although the tree has no hands. But it has its own way of expressing its joy, its sadness, its anger, its fear.

The whole existence is sensitive. That's what I mean, when I say that existence is God.

Be friendly , Satyam, and don't be worried whether anybody is friendly towards you or not - that is a businesslike question. Why be worried? Why not transform the whole existence into a friend towards you? Why miss such a great kingdom?

 -Osho